Summer rain

When the warmth caresses my skin the droplet wets it and I breathe. A renewed feeling of the old stillness, refreshed from my coma. I left my heart somewhere in an old bridge by the sunset. I kept the memory. I kept going - all I wanted was to stay. I stayed to watch the train leave and there the summer rain drops on my face. I smile. A new feeling never running old. But fear still creeps at my back. 

What if old wounds come back? - I tear at the skin. No tears found.

- Let's forever stay. - She whispers and I break inside. A sly touch of hope from between the clouds where the sun shines and this space that is ours seems to last.

Uma bolha só nossa

Levo uma vida de ti. Sinto-me a escorregar do fragmento da vivência que somos. Há mais perguntas que respostas e a neblina posta a nu pelos candeeiros da rua não é a única dúvida no ar. Dou-me de mim mais do que aprendi a dar e mesmo isso sinto não ser suficiente. Caminho contigo passeios batidos em cores de inverno, olhando não para o amanhã, recusando a hora seguinte, antecipando despedida. Aí ver-me-ás derrotado perante as pedras que montaram a nossa existência, ver-me-ás vergado perante a conivência do destino perante a nossa luta para o contrariar. Se o tempo é imparcial e a espaços apenas mais uma bolha em que existimos isolados em quartos escuros e janelas espelhadas ao conhecimento de estranhos então é de cruel existência. 

Por agora sinto que a pergunta não é se, mas quando. Não quero pensar nisso. Não quero ver o avião descolar. Cada conversa do amanhã é mais uma faca. Vejo ossos de edifícios e pergunto-me como se aguenta a estrutura, penso como isso se aplica a nós e fujo. É muito difícil explicar nas longas horas da noite em que o Sol ameaça espreitar, horas em que o sono luta por me conquistar, como existimos e onde vai a nossa sinergia acabar. Então desligo. Não tenho de explicar se apenas apreciar existir. Mas vendo essa existência como frágil, fugaz, mais difícil se torna o sono. Existo na escuridão com a ansiedade ao lado, procurando viver em pesadelos, vendo-os como mais fáceis de aceitar do que nós. Não sei dormir sem um amanhã.

Concluo que somos um delito. Somos uma falha existencial de planos falhados e caminhos procurados à força na pressa de aproveitar as horas ao sol. Passamos tanto tempo a fugir sem ninguém nos perseguir a não ser a nossa consciência do caminho que percorremos. Estamos em terras geladas com luzes encadeadas pelo próprio brilho. Não quero olhar. Mas sinto o peso da obrigação de olhar em frente e tomar uma decisão perante uma bifurcação. E pesa cada vez mais em mim. 

O sono teima em vir. Prefiro os pesadelos ao sonho de ti.

Vulkan - Blinding Ornaments

Contra-o-tempo

Corremos contra o tempo,
Vemos o avião voar e a esperança a escorraçar
O que foi dito e contido em horas do desmentido.

Fomos um contratempo,
Um entretém no vai não vem do bafo do Verão,
Uma fonte de lazer dilacerada e deliciada no âmago do prazer.

Já dizia o velho do Restelo,
Que acreditava no insucesso em tudo de excesso,
Que navegávamos vaidade ao sabor da nossa leviandade.

Que drama mais belo,
Viver e crescer, aproveitar e no fim chorar
A simbiose de nós em tão curta dose.

Conto fantasmas

Começo a contar fantasmas,
Já nem consigo dormir.
Há memórias vivas perto de mim,
Pesos invisíveis nas pernas
Que ainda no ano passado eram almofadas.

Deito-me agora sem ti
E a cama parece mais fria assim.
O sono foge-me e o silêncio corta
O ar que respiro e a memória morta.
A lágrima escondida atrás do olho
Resiste a sair e fica de molho
À espera talvez das palavras certas
Para descrever a falta que me despertas.
Começo a acumular fantasmas
Por cima desta culpa já velha amiga.
Faço-me acreditar funcional
Mas na verdade estou mal.
Custa-me falar, quero contar
Todas as sílabas de teu ronronar
Ou a gentileza do teu olhar
Longe agora da cadeira vazia.
Mantenho a tua ausência
Desconto a carência,
A noite já vai para lá de tarde
E restringir-me já me arde
Nas pestanas pesadas
Destas noites mal passadas.
Repito que te amo e digo-te adeus
Em braços que foram sempre pousos teus.

 

Puscifer - Horizons 

War of mind

Of all things dark we should expect nothing but peace,
For in the dark we're all the same, envy and greed forgotten.
Of all things in the light we see in others what we wish for ourselves
We live and feed of them, as such hate is bred.

Of memories past shame comes to mind.

If anything at all was valued at such times

It is now nothing but a mirage in hindsight,

Seen in big screens with bright colours and multiple lines.

Blindfolded we are true,

For what we do not see can do us no harm

And no harm shall come to it

By our hands, with our blood, with our war of mind.

Blind we should walk

Choosing to trust, choosing to love,

Refusing hate as we cannot pay its price,

Refusing greed as there is not enough for all.

 

Deaf we are to words of wisdom,

More than ever pushing our agendas,

Fighting freedom with tyranny, 

As was before shall be again - war.

O meu coração tem um fundo e é lá que ela está - refugiada. 

In a memory

Boy smiling at the sea
What is it in your memory?
What's that you see in this fog
Looming over this city?
Did you have all you sought,
All that others thought
That you had lost?
Do you smile for a chance
Or some long lost love?
Have you really lived since?
Upon this cravice you look
And you breathe and you smile
And remember all time took
And not once do you brood,
Not once do you feed your guile.
Now, boy, do you stay forever
In that shadow of a dream,
Now, boy, do you remember
The waves that brought the seam
In that foggy morning she went away.

Sui

Hey. This is me. Something more than just thought, more than mere flesh, a brain evolving, actions regretted and pride forsaken to be later regained. More than a fight, a battle to be won, a will to be broken. I've struggled in the past. For fuck's sake, there are still days of struggle and nights where I think that a drink or ten are the right choice. But the will remains unbroken. I am a better man than before. I've fought this far. I'll be far better in the future. I've found myself, even if the days seem like an endless war, even if I have to change my urges. I forgo of my violence - nay, I'm keeping it hidden, it'll come at the right time for the right reason - in favour of reason and tactic. I'm starting to feel good about it too. It'll be worth it in the end. So I fight. I'm something more now. Something I've been trying to be for some years now. Who are you?

Rishloo - Just a Ride

Centuries fallen

Mother, these centenary walls have fallen,
Mother, these blackened stones have burnt,
Once white full of pride, standing tall,
Great knowledge contained, now lost to all,
What a waste these fools let happen.

Mother, we have lost everything,
We gave it our best and still lost,
We burnt the trees, we burnt the planet,
Let life dwindle, everything gone to waste,
The skies burn bright tonight.

Such a waste, such a loss, everything no one knew,
No more old scrolls to be kept safe,
No more dust from pages centuries old,
You've spoken enough, no one to hear you tomorrow,
You're not on a screen, one could hardly believe.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2018/09/news-museu-nacional-fire-rio-de-janeiro-natural-history/ 

Move on

Could be, if one were to be drowned, one's last wish would be to feel the Sun on the skin again. Could be, if you could just wish it, that you could feel that peace of mind again. You could work for it, swim towards the surface, struggle to feel alive, could be that you might just get it. For me it could be to feel without feeling. I wish not to be bothered by the disappointment of having hopes for the wrong person again, but still maintain the dream to find someone real again. Right now it's difficult to have the second one without the first. However, it's far more simpler to just ignore the disappointment and go on as a cynic. It's not who I want to be, however. For now I'll just keep to myself, quiet and aloof. It's the best way to move on.

Of closure

I look more at the past than to the future. Wide awake I produce more memories than desires. So lost I seem to me that you might see me roaming the streets with eyes gazing at the horizon whislt my mind will be wondering where I left myself. Here I give words, here I drain my soul, but closure seems to grow everyday, stronger, with a will to learn to move on. I've always believed that alone I'm stronger, now I'm stronger and alone I seem to be myself.

In the Winter

There was a silence in the world;
At the behest of darkness came light,
At the brink of destruction came the bold,
There, where there was only wrong, came the right
To save the innocent from the demons.

Dead and wicked things stir in the wild
Upon where plays a simple child,
She runs and laughs and enjoys the simple life
Letting all dark things out of sight.

Crawling spiders and flying ladybugs,
Howling wolves and loose grubs,
All those around her flourish,
All of them with her child play relish.

But all living things have dead shadows,
Unkempt, never resting, all of them have sorrows
That keep them coming back from the grounds
And haunt all those who step their mounds.

This girl dare play in the dark of the forest
Unknowingly of the wrongs there lay to rest,
Unforgiving of all they deemed trespassers
And would drag down all of those who were offenders.

Such they considered this wild little girl,
So naive, playfully dancing around in a whirl,
Quickly their hands grasped to drag her down,
A scream from her mouth arose and, suddenly, no sound.

A child was lost in the high dirt
To all but to the all seeing bird,
For, you see, high is a place where only eagles dare,
And all this aggression they saw from up there.

Wolves and owls heard the shrilling scream,
Beavers, bats, even snakes found this judgement mean
And quickly set to move and save
The infant from an early grave.

Wolves dug the earth, snakes scouted the dark,
Owls quickly called the dogs who set out to bark
To bring the elders swiftly to the location,
To find the girl and bring her salvation.

Early morning came with men with torches and shovels
Ready and steady to drive the tormented back to their level,
For Hell has seven circles and all of those swarmed,
And this little girl, belonging to none, could not be harmed.

Morning sun came with morning dew
Came with an alliance of men and animal and rescue true,
That a child innocent would remain
But mindful of all the care that she should maintain.

Thankful for the sun was she for it shined
Thankful for the elders she was for the time they arrived,
Thankful she grew for the animals who saved her with mind as their tool,
But above all thankful for Mother Nature for alive and ready was she for this Yule.

Hearth

Why would you leave? The hearth is lit, the shadows dance over our feet as we hold each other closely, taking in the heat, protecting us from the humid cold of the winter night outside. It has come sooner this year. But regardless we have the sheets to warm us, the body heat to keep us together, the silence to communicate, only words to tear us apart. Why then would you leave? You could stay and enjoy the winter, see the leaves fallen and the trees naked. To just be, just exist, just breathe in my bed, let me see your skin shine under the light of the fire, allow me to relish your presence. You've been gone too much and I now know not what to think. My room feels like a grave of memories of the times you've spent here. I was able to look at you then, to admire your beauty, wonder what it was that brought you to me. But you've been gone for too much time now and I wonder what you think. Please tell me you're lost, shout so I can hear you, I'll come and get you.
You see, lately I've been burning. The colder it gets the warmer I get. My rage acts up, but this cold weather envelops me, gathers my attention and directs me to the early night to find peace. Lately I've been wanted. But I'm still waiting. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm just holding on until you come back again. This is survival for me. But surviving isn't much. Even knowing it's not the same to you as it is to me, even knowing I'm probably holding on to something that isn't there, I just remember your smile much too fondly to fall out now. I keep holding on to see you again, kiss you, watch your hips dance at my touch. This isn't living, it's barely breathing, but it's my way to believe that something in you will change. Maybe then you'll stay. I'll keep the fire burning.

De ninguém

Voltarei para perto de ti já, linda que não é de ninguém,
Tu que me prestas abrigo do frio e vento lá fora,
Tu que me seguras a mão quando nos deitamos a ver estrelas.
Venho de casa deserta, deserto de afeição,
A relembrar da tenebrosa solidão,
Sem conseguir esquecer que um dia soube lidar com ela.
Mas de ti me lembro quando ando ao relento
E das noites que passámos juntos ainda relembro
Do quente do teu corpo, do suave da tua pele, da tua companhia.
Nem tudo é físico, nem tudo é sexo, há amor por explorar,
Se lutares por ti lutar por novamente amar,
Há tempo para perder, o passado é para esquecer.
Sinto química no entrelace das mãos
E em todos os suspiros vãos,
Mas de ninguém és, de ninguém preferes ser.

The Dead Weather - Will There Be Enough Water

Again

I tried. I goddamn tried. I still try. Every single try. To be more, to do more, to show more strength. I know I have it in me. 
I bow my head, stare at the rocks under my feet arch my shoulders, but still something pulls my head high, makes me look up, straighten up. You can bow me, but you can't defeat me. 
The pain is here. It'll stay but I'm not dearly cursed as to let myself be defeated. I am strong. I have rage. I have will. I will overcome. Even if it takes all parts of me, I'll be able to look up and smile. I'll be happy again. I'll be able to rest again. The nightmares will stop and I'll live.

Head Up

I think it's time to start something new. Time to make fresh what came to be old. The bleeding is done, the wording takes form. Stop and breathe. Alcohol is here to stay, to dance and play, not to drain or lead me astray. It's no longer a poison running through my veins. It's no longer a fuel that ignites the vainly passionate in me. It's an absent friend and for such I have no time. Just keep passing by, I'll look up, to the sky, to the clouds, to the stars.
Long enough have I lived in the past, given much power to those who left scars. Many times have I said that those were battle scars, remembrance that I've survived. But now I know, surviving isn't living. As long as I draw breath I'll keep searching a way to live again. I've contemplated such a life before, even if shortly, and I've known its taste. I was drenched in it, swallowed by it, like somehow drawn into the fantasy written in words in pages of a book. I've come to wake up in cold sweats again, remembering what it has been so that I may once again smile, so that I don't feel so lonely. Such is an occasional feature. Passes me by quickly. For now I see the colour of the skies and the grass, now I feel the cool wind and that makes me open my eyes, open my arms, guard my soul but live with it.
I'm in pain. I've been in pain before, I remember the feeling. I don't know it's the same wound, if it close and is another scar or if it was just numb, but for some time I didn't feel it. It has came up. But, unlike the last time, I haven't used anaesthesia. This time I'm fighting it. Shutting my eyes and trying to sleep a peaceful night again, this time by myself. I'm lonely but I'm not dead. I've come to my senses and some temporary feeling won't keep me from smiling. One day it'll be natural.

Elton John - Rocket Man

Walls

We disturbed the skies. We corrupted the seas. We destroyed everything that meant anything to us. We built walls to protect ourselves from the raging seas, we hid the trees and plants, we let the world rot while finding a corner for ourselves. We protected nothing. The hills, the mountains, all that shaped the round earth, were left on the other side of the walls. All was grey there. Here all is green and brown. A reshaped society.

Fuck the Utopia. It's an outdated book. It didn't carry the weight of human responsibility in degrading Nature, in over using Its resources, in killing it. Back then men could travel the seas and explore new land. Wasted earth is all we left behind. I walk amongst them. These rotten, hypocritical people. I see their sly smiles, their ever observant eyes, their words full of lies. They have no life. Only a past. A guilty past that they cast away for they don't want to shoulder the weight of their ancestors mistakes. I walk past them. I climb the walls. Huge concrete walls that just barely touch the sky. I stand above them all. I take a step forward, ready to j-

Gojira - Global Warming 

Thank you for the mistakes - from now on I'll call them experiences.

The White Stripes - Jolene

Understand

Do you understand how lost we are, how lost we'll remain? Are you still faithful to your hope that life will come to straighten out in the end? Travel and get to know this world. In the end you'll see that I'm not so bad. Then get to work on the hope that it won't be too late - you see, wolves don't stay at the same spot for a long period of time.

The Racounteurs - Broken Boy Soldier

Remember to smile

Remember to smile.

Your smile brightens up a room,
It shines brighter than the sun,
They'll all see it soon,

You are the light of men.

Take the toll of your living
And forget your past misgivings,
For you, my beacon, are the reason I'm breathing
And ever day-dreaming.

So remember to smile,
Stay here and let me live for a while,
For many moons have passed and you are gone,
Many ghosts have haunted me to cut me to the bone,
On my many mistakes have I brooded upon,
But now I want to care only to smile
Just to imagine you'll stay for a while.

Take It Back - Pink Floyd