Sin number 2

From the deep of my conscience comes the will to struggle. Your will of struggle only represents the fear inside me that allows me to live until the end of the day. I've sinned once again, and I've liked it once again. I've killed you and you've lived again and now I've betrayed you and the truth behind the door that is behind me is much to powerful for you to acknowledge. I betray the sin that is our love with the love that barely feeds my soul and makes me have fear. To that once more I sin and I once more drink with my friends at the bar.
Tonight I must be dreaming for you are once more at my side in my bed that has the stench of betrayal. I look at you in the moonlight and your faith makes me cry. Just by believing in me once again, giving me the second chance that I needed made me feel so sour that I've left you and took a walk. I was the last person on whom you should have believed. But you did and that gives me the felling that you're not my love but my curse. You've followed me to every place that I've been and met my friends. You've even shook hands with the women that has made me betray you.
My feelings tonight are that I should be locked up, just for the sins that I've done in my youth and the sin that I'm doing to you right now. Forgive me now that I cry to this lost soul and to the feelings and have now reborn, like you, in me. Don't take me back to that day where I've made my first sin. You moved me just by laying there dead. Now you move me again just by standing in my bed, the bed of betrayal, the bed where you've been deceived and, though you know, you've been cursed and temporarily forgotten. But it's me, yes it's me that should have been forgotten because, as always, I'm the best forgotten. Feel the pain in my chest that you can't heal. Forbid me to betray you again for I've sin twice now...

Outro dia...

Outro dia que passa com o Sol a brilhar. Outro dia que passe em que eu olho para o espelho com um sentimento desconhecido sobre mim. E outro dia em que me pergunto se fiz a decisão certa ou errada. Se todas as dores que sinto são reais ou são apenas fingimentos para obter mais atenção. Outro dia que passa e o trabalho e as dores vão acumulando, as perguntas pesando nos ombros, a mochila nas costas e, a andar pela rua, vejo mais uma vez a imagem que já vi mais de um milhão de vezes.
Mais um dia mais uma morte... no dia-a-dia oiço vozes que me pedem ajuda pois não sabem onde estão mas a morte não é um lugar é um estado de espírito. O meu espírito já viveu e já morreu. Viveu mais um pouco contigo mas já morreu outra vez pois perdi as minhas esperanças. Agora está morto e sem maneira de voltar à vida. A chama da vida que arde dentro de mim está quase apagada e todas as recordações voltam agora para me assombrarem. Subi e desci durante a minha vida mas nunca me lembrei que seria a minha alma a ser consumida lentamente pela tua alma.
Sem remorsos eu ando nas ruas, sem medo eu me sinto desde que acordo até que me deito. Sem felicidade ou qualquer tipo de contentamento eu vivo. Apenas com amigos posso contar quando, nas alturas difíceis, a Morte me fala. Quando eu me sento na cama a tocar guitarra ou quando ou me encontro com eles na rua, sei que é por eles que o sacrifício da vida vale a pena. Os amigos, apenas os amigos, nos compreendem e nos dizem que poderemos viver para outro dia voltarmos a sofrer. Mas até quando meus amigos, até quando teremos de suportar o peso de sabermos que a Morte nos segue e que será o nosso fim? Ou até quando formos imortais teremos de suportar o peso da vida para todo o sempre apenas para sofrer outra vez num outro dia. Meus amigos até lá, encararei a Morte como um estilo de vida, tendo em conta que alma quase não tenho e o meu espírito está morto.
E tu, minha deusa, serás tu até à minha morte a minha musa ou serás para todo o sempre a minha musa? Ajudar-me-às a suportar o peso da vida e da morte ou deixar-me-às abandonado mais uma vez no meio da chuva, a pensar em ti? Sofro por ti, no entanto, de ti nada oiço e a ti nada digo. Como gostava mais uma vez de sentir o teu calor em mim e que desses vida ao meu espírito mais uma vez. De ver os teus olhos azuis lindos e de conseguir dizer que tu e eu temos futuro juntos. Mas estarei ainda a ser incorrecto a presumir que também me amas? Sim porque eu amo-te e infelizmente para mim só uma maneira para te dizer isto mas são tempos difíceis até que eu te possa ver mais uma vez. Mas uma pergunta te deixo: Amas-me? Ou abandonas-me mais uma vez sozinho na chuva ou no Sol a pensar em ti e de como o meu amor não me é correspondido? Beija-me meu amor pois sou cego a esse tipo de momentos e alheio a esse tipo de sentimentos que em ti residem. Conhece o meu interior com a tua alma e toca o meu espírito com o teu amor. A ti te amo e a mais nenhuma.

Aos meus amigos,

Obrigado,

À minha deusa,

Amo-te

Tomorrow...

Took a picture of my guitar today to someday remember this day. I sat down on my bed looking at the my hands while they're shaking, maybe of cold, maybe of fear even maybe of disease, but they were shaking. Something told me that this world is not what it seems and all we say and do is just to please our friends. I listened to the radio while one of my favourite songs was playing and I just stood there listening, like a statue, with my eyes glassed looking to never land, dreaming of something new. I wanted to sing the music but, though I knew the lyrics, I didn't for some strange reason. Then I started to wonder. Will tomorrow be any different, will it be the same or will we have a new and true world to live in? Will people pass me in the street and say hello or just simply say what they think honestly? Honestly I don't care because I live in my own world and I simply like it.
Until yesterday I was living in her world but not today. That was the thing that changed in this world. Though I still love her, yes because that kind of feelings just don't go way easily, I don't live behind her shadow or think of her wherever I go. I say that this is my pain and that she's the cause of my suffering, but that are all excuses to escape the real felling that comes from the deep shadows of my soul. My true feelings are that I want to follow her and still kill myself for being so weak. But no more her! No more waiting.
Tomorrow will I change my speech? Can someone teach me how to live in the true way of living? Today I have my band formed but will I live until tomorrow to see them all together and to play on stage with them and kick ass? I'm in pain cause I want and I ain't happy cause so is my life. It's not up to me to chose my path but it's up to me to live to know what's coming tomorrow. Will my friends be with me until I die or will they betray me while I still live? Well I still live to some people but my soul is dead because of this life and because I wanted it to die. I need to see my soul cry and I need to feel my tears come down my face. But that is false because I can't cry any more, at least not until tomorrow.

It is Death stalking me,

waiting for me in the shadows,

so is my fate,

so is my life.

No more waiting...

Tired of seeing the time passing by, the sun and the rain, cars and people walking in the street. I say to myself that it's all over and the little hope that I had of a chance with you is now over. I excuse myself from this table of joy and I move to the old table where the old me lays: the table of rage. I hope once again that a new life comes to me though I'm sceptical about the chances of it. I listen to the music that says my pain and I talk to my friends that tell me to wait but that's what I sick of... I'm sick of waiting for you to call at night, I'm sick of missing you and I'm sick of this new me that is so fragile and so weak. I gave up too fast to your charm and beauty but now I'm fighting to resist it and I do hope that someday you'll see things my damn way but it's just to difficult to invite you to my world and to my table because you're deep in your table of betrayal and you like it.

A light in my window still tells me where to go and what to say but I don't listen to it because all the pain that you've caused me, even though I doubt you've meant it, is just too big for me to take so I'm leaving you and it to the world, to the next dumb ass that decides that you're the one and falls in love with you.

With caution I withdraw myself from your love and to never look back I return to my real self for no more atention or love you'll get from here, only rage and bitterness and the will to fight. Say what you want for it will not affect me and may sorrow come your way.

Aqui sentado

Aqui estou eu sentado a escrever num caderno matéria já dada nas aulas, mas nunca com o meu pensamento no que escrevo. Na minha mente apenas tu existes neste momento porque o futuro é incerto e é amanhã que te vou ver outra vez ainda não sei como nem quando exactamente. Também não vejo forma de te contactar já que não estás ligada a mim mentalmente e também porque supostamente estou demasiado ocupado para te falar quanto mais te ver. Mas é a ti que a minha mente pertence neste momento e é neste mundo cruel que eu te desejo ter. Porque todas as lutas que já tive durante a vida foram duras mas nenhuma nem todas juntas se comparam com a vontade que tenho em te ver até nas circunstâncias mais difíceis. Sem qualquer tipo de respostas de que eu preciso neste momento, vejo-me ao espelho com um olhar de esperança de que uma forma de contacto contigo esteja disponível mas mais uma vez estou enganado e condenado a sofrer destas terríveis dúvidas por mais um tempo. Sinto-me vulnerável a uma paixão repentina devido à nossa escassez de contacto.

Mais uma vez me sinto carente e aqui sentado fico sem dúvidas que não sou eu nem nunca fui a pessoa por quem estavas apaixonada. Viro-me apenas mais uma vez para ti apenas para dizer que acabou, que não vou mais tentar e que nem sequer o devia ter feito de início. Sobrio e com dores, tanto emocionais como físicas, tento esquecer a tua voz, o teu sorriso, os teus olhos porque apenas agora me sinto em casa e apenas agora procuro reaver a raiva que era a minha vida e que me controlava os pensamentos, acções e emoções. Tento mais uma vez esquecer aquela tarde maravilhosa que tive contigo e cada vez mais penso que fui mais um a cair na tua teia, na tua teia de seda que tu com tanto cuidado fizes-te apenas para puxar pessoas como eu para lá e para lhes devorar a vida. Mas a alma não, nunca a alma, pois nem eu deixaria que me tirasses a última coisa que ainda me traz dignidade neste mundo tão indigno de tanta confiança e amor.
Volto ao que fui e por ti não espero mais pois ainda hoje estive à chuva sempre a pensar em ti e ainda à espera de ouvir a tua voz outra vez mas não o fizes-te e agora toda a nossa química desapareceu e no seu lugar deixou a desconfiança e a dor pois estou certo que a partir de agora nunca mais irei amar alguém como te amei a ti.

Soul of the Damned

Feel the pain in my chest, the burn in my legs, see what my brain says and what my heart commands. Can you feel what I feel or are you so damn dumb that you cannot see a blasted thing in front of you? What can I say when you just don't feel what I feel? What can you say when my brain is telling me the opposite of my heart. I know your past and I've received bad news of you from the one's that are close to you but I'm still in doubt just because I don't want to be "just another one", it's because I want to be "the one".
Save this poor soul for it's lost. Cry for this lost soul for it's now damned and there's no future for the two of us. When I fought myself in the night I met you, I was thinking that I finally had find salvation but now the more I think of it the more I come to realise that I'm doomed just because I love you and there are no other words to say it.
My soul is lost, looking for an answer in the woods but it's still wandering if the path that it takes is the right path. All my past can't erase my future but what will be my future if I'm this indecisive. I search for a light that may guide to the answer but I'm still lost like a little boy searching for his way home. Could you be my light and guide me back to your arms?? Or would you guide me into a fall where I would surely die? If you would guide me to the fall, could you do the last push and end the life of this poor soul that doesn't know anything else to do but to say foolish words with his pride in front of his rationality?
For every person that passes by me in the street there's the tiniest hope that you're the person next to me.
For this Damned Soul have no compassion for I'm just a fool in love that seeks for answers that only you can give me.

Deadly hope

You, the only one that right now I can remember. Now that I lay in this field, now that I've been shot in the heart by a bullet from my enemy. You're the only memory that comes to my head right now that I'm dyeing. You can still bring me to my feet and with a last breath I struggle for my opponents death. My struggle, in vain, is over just as a horn blows through the air bringing the smell of defeat with it. Though I've killed my enemy, a new and vast number of enemies appears in the horizon. My life, just as I reach for my last energy, seems to fade away just as your memory comes back to me once again.
In the middle of the rain I stand and there I wait for a damn sign that you're around though you've left a long time ago. I'm still in that rain calling your name with the little hope that this world is fake and that this reality is just a mirror image of disgrace. Disgrace just because I'm still waiting for you as if there's no more life in me. With full energy I call your name crying in the middle of the street with rain falling upon me and, with my hair wet, I get to my knees and start to say all the things that I wanted to say to you so long ago, while you were still here with me.
Just out from the summer sun I'll say that my life is over and to my friends I'll just be another stranger that as passed trough their life's leaving my marks but not lasting forever. Could I ever last forever when you're gone and when I've died with my soul laying on your lap in the fields of war? Or did I gain a fever from the rain when I called and cried your name? When I was on my knees and the rain was falling upon me, was that it? Was my life a waste just because I've waited for you or is still my life a waste because I'm still waiting?
Can the answers to all my questions fall upon my hands from the sky or will I have to struggle some more to get them? Just because my life is what I don't wish of it will I have to kill myself just for the people around me get my point? Will they get their own mistakes or will I realise finally that I'm the one that is making the mistakes?
Sad but still true is my life to me but what is there left of your life in my body and where's your soul that my own soul so badly seeks? I drink the blood that comes from my cut veins so I can feel that I'm alive. I eat my own flesh that comes from the injuries caused by you just so I feel the pain that I still have and the sorrow that corrupts my vision.
Visions of future and I still hope to find you in the past...

Life it seems to fade away,

just as I seek for you,

in my dreams,

and where my hope lays:

In your arms.

Virus

Slowly eating my brain, tearing it apart. A virus in my head telling me how to live and controlling my feelings. If I can't love what can I do? Hate. Hate that I have a virus and that I'm slowly turning to one myself. I'll come back to where I once was in a happy place, with no virus in sight.
A land where children could see the sun and the blue sky. In those times I could say to my children: "Say what you want for we are free and no trouble is in sight." Sad I am now for my mistake and even more sad for my children are dead now for they were seduced and used by my words that killed them.
Cutting my veins open, making myself cry, desperate for your help I seek in the darkness a light that represents the hope I once had in myself. Only hope that I have now it's yours because it's my life on the risk but my heart is in your hands. For this virus is trying to control me but you're the only place in my mind where he'll never find or even suspect.
Dark in my eyes, ask me what is wrong, let me tell you that I love the felling, the felling of my brain being eaten. Some words are misunderstood but nor from or for you. What I say and what I said to you I mean and meant it for you are the special one and I know that when I don't have a brain you'll be always beside me taking care of me for your memory will always live and the virus will never find it though it will destroy it slowly without it even knowing. Love you my angel of freedom and still you're killing me and the virus is eating my brain.
In the fields of the war will the virus came out and say to the world that he's the cause of destruction or will you reveal your self with your white wings and you black hair covering the sun and the fields letting me finally have some rest?

Memorial to a friend

Damn those thoughts and those ideas. Push them away and try to sleep for that is real. Our definitions of what's real or unreal, wrong or right, true or false is now corrupted like our life's. Give an idea of what to write and do it fast for I'm running out of time and all that will be left of me is my memory in your empty head. Ashes of time set me off from this place, take me to a place where I belong and where I finally fit. Say these words deep in the night when you can't sleep therefore you cannot dream. Though you want and wish it so hardly there's no way of you getting out of this nightmare called life. Wish you awake, wish alive, wish you asleep, wish your death. Accept it for it's the only thing that matters and the only thing that can set you off right now.
Ash to ash, dust to dust, fade to black - these are the words that I will say in your funneral for they are the only one's that say the truth and that mean what they seem to mean. Apearences ilude they say but what the eyes can't see our hears can listen. I'll whisper this to you in your mind while you see your movie of life.
They say that memory will keep us together but what will keep us alive while we remember?? Bring the photographs of our life for death has no place for life and memory. Set the pieces of the puzzle all mixed up in the table and start moving your feet like in war in the fields of death. Mars idea of fun, no doubt, but there are other ways of living and other ways of dieing. Mars is in your thoughts and he's telling you to shut me out for my mind is corrupted with the ways of the devil. Try to fight it, try to resist it but there's no way you can run from this nightmare.
Sail to the sea, drink some wine for your funneral has finished a long time ago and now, my friend, you can sleep never to wake again, never to remember again and never to dream again.

Caminho...

Como estar aqui e ali ao mesmo tempo? Fazer porcos voar e galinhas terem dentes. Caminho uma longa estrada que não parece ter fim à procura da razão da minha existência. Como poderei ser útil quando matar-me parece a única solução a tomar? Sei que quando te vi fiquei com a alma nos céus e o corpo inerte pois a tua beleza é superior à de uma Deusa. Fico sem palavras ao ver os teus olhos azuis, cristalinos como o mar e o azul do céu. Sem me dizeres nada percebi tudo. Li a tua mente naquele momento mas apenas não consegui fazer o que devia. Poderei saber se tenho outra hipótese de te beijar? Porque se não tiver diz-me já para que possa seguir com a única saída que me aparece neste caminho: morrer. Num momento em que as estrelas estavam a brilhar e os planetas estavam alinhados soube o que devia fazer mas apenas não o consegui. O brilho dos teus olhos ofuscaram a minha visão e deixaram-me cego desde que te vi, naquele pequeno sítio que a mim nada representa.

Como uma marcha fúnebre caminho na tua direcção, o medo e o nervosismo a apoderarem-se de mim e a deixaram-me com vontade de virar para trás, mas o meu amor fala mais alto e o meu coração é o que pensa e é o que me faz mexer. Se voar é impossível e amar-te é pecado eu quero voar para pecar.

Sabendo quem és nunca sei o que dizer a seguir pois um nó na minha garganta impede-me de falar o que quer que seja. Noto o frio nas tuas palavras quando se fala de o passado e noto o teu calor quando falas comigo. Será o teu calor ou apenas o calor da tua paixão a arder por ti?

De todo o ar do mundo que eu tenho para respirar, teu é para que vivas mais e que embelezes mais este mundo feio que apenas cicatrizes deixa. Não querendo a morte no teu caminho, o sacrifício da minha alma eu faço apenas para que possas mostrar o que é realmente existir e ser-se belo.

De todas as mulheres que amei e conquistei, que vi e admirei tu és sem dúvida a única que me põe contente e aos saltos.

No momento da despedida o meu nervosismo de ocasiões futuras apoderou-se de mim e mostrei-te a minha fraqueza, não querendo mais que volte a aparecer. Do monstro que eu defrontei e amansei até agora que escrevo isto, sei que quero estar contigo uma vez mais e talvez me possas dar uma razão para contuinar a caminhar o longo caminho ao qual não vejo fim...

The tale of the Demon and the Angel

Tell me something to cheer me up. Give me something so I can have a reason to get up from the bed in the morning. Say that you're here and that you'll never leave. Because Death as a monster and it isn't nice. For the first time in my life I feel afraid, afraid of Death. It's power is growing and I still don't know if we'll survive trough the rain and trough the thunder. It gets up from his pit where he lays trough the sunshine and comes to hunt me trough the night. I might ran but it's not my thing. I can stand and fight though I know that I'll be defeated and dead in a second but I won't just give it up.
Give me life and take it away just that easy since you have the power and the knowledge to do it. Fight me, kiss me, hold me as if there was no tomorrow for I'm leaving and there's no way to escape what's awaiting me in the fields.
Arrows crash in the floor and go trough my arms and legs, leaving me in the floor bleeding and thinking of all the things I've like to do with you. From my mouth I have the feeling that I'm screaming but I don't hear anything. I see blood coming down my arms into my sword and more blood flying as I kill the enemies around me. As I get in the middle of something big I see your beautiful face saying goodbye and sorrow piercing you from the back. I run badly and almost dying I touch you face as you whisper your love for me and make me cry.
As I stand on my knees I hope someone kills me but then I see my true self in your blood and get up for revenge. Killing who I see, blind by rage, I run to Death's monster and with my sword glowing like the Holy Grail, I jump and cut him in the neck. Still standing the monster fight to survive for I'm cutting him with my sword.
Death's on his shoulder laughing and healing the monster. As I look back everyone's dead except for you and me and I think that I'm finally dead and forever with you. That's just a dream because I see white wings on your back and black wings on mine as demons rise from the floor like an army with spears and angels fly from the sky with swords. Side by side God and the Beast walk trough them and give me the final order. I can see fear in Deaths face and I laugh cutting the monster in two and I see you retrieving Deaths essence from his body.
From the rage, comes revenge and from revenge we appear in the middle of war, the Demon and the Angel.