sábado, 7 de abril de 2007

Know myself

I need to explain who I really am. But to do that I need to know myself. And that is the key to happiness, to knowledge, to something more than just the usual. I wear masks all the time, pretend to be someone else, I'm never myself with nobody. I'm allways adopting new forms of being and new stiles just to make the ones around me enjoy my company. I'm never myself even when I'm alone. Even in the dark, laying somewhere that I know. I lie to myself every day. I lie to everyone every day. Because I don't know myself.
I'm a sin that can't contain itself within a house. I spread a virus among humanity, destroying all that I like and love. I say that I love, I say that I enjoy, I say that I hate, I say that I am. But I'm not. I never was. And I seriously doubt that I'll ever be. But my life carries on like a train that has no stop.
I go blind with time and slowly I die. It sounds so difficult when she says it. But it looks so easy when I write it. I'm self-destructive, that's well known, and I still live in this Earth that I slowly destroy by the hands of others.
I don't enjoy the pain, I hate losing and I hate all around me that makes me scream. It makes me mad, it makes me change myself again, it makes me die. Even now, as I write, I seek for something in me that can tell me what I really am. Does such a thing exist? Does someone, anyone, knows me or even a part of me? Can someone tell me where I'm going, when does my life end, this torment that is upon me?
I seek for the answers for the questions that I know and that I don't know. I live with myself within this cage that is my body and it makes me cry, it brings me pain and it slowly makes me die. No matter how far I can travel, no matter how much I seek, no matter how many questions of life and death I can answer, I will never know my true self, maybe the one that you enjoy, maybe the one that smiles, maybe the one that is the truth and destiny to this world.
I've gone forever, I've reborn again, I've made it clear that I'm here to stay, to cry, to suffer, to die. I adapt to situations, persons, places. I deceive, I lie, I kill. After the future what will come? After myself what will you have to expect? Please tell me that I'm worth while. Because she's far and I can't, I don't want to, I need to speak to her.
I don't know myself, but who else does know myself better than me?

I make myself,
I lie to you,
I deceive you,
I kill myself.

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