Alive

The sun has burned my skin once again. The cold water has tried to drown me but I'm still alive. With who I want and alive. I'm living my dreams and nightmares. I'm filling my muscles dying due to my lack of will to live. But I'm still alive. I'm still feeling this will and I don't know why I'm still alive with all these chances to fulfil this feeling so strong that has took over me. Nothing nor nobody in me war, I don't understand. I'm alive though I don't want it.
Am I in a strange planet to others that they can't reach me or understand me? I need to feel alive and have a significant reason to live, someone to take care of, someone to let me know that I'm not just another being walking on Earth. I need to be someone, I need to be special, something with real meaning to the people I want. I'm not asking attention or emotions from you. I'm asking some meaning to my life, more than just to exist to die. For now I'm still alive.
I can't gather the energy to love someone new, besides myself. I've got the last bad experiences that has thought me that loving another person just isn't worth the pain and hurt. In the end, on way or another, we end up hating each other for there was still love in one of us. I'm sick of the crying, the breaking up by the phone. Weren't you strong enough to tell me in my face? Didn't you respected me enough to tell me that in that sort of way? Didn't realised until now that she was right, you've hurted me bad and deeply. I just didn't saw it because I wasn't completely over you. I've still imagined what my life would be now if we were still together. Not anymore. I'm alive to experience the hate for you.
Alive for now to hate, miss someone that isn't in my life anymore, love myself and to write the words that are my anger and soul together to make me.